


call me baby (please, im desperate)

by crobus



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, EXO - Freeform, Literally I hate myself, M/M, Suho is NOT white, Texting, Too much yixing, chatfic, everyones gay, this is gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-24 05:34:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9705536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crobus/pseuds/crobus
Summary: YIXING:WELCOME FRIENDSsehunbaby:please leave me aloneYIXING:what did i ever do wrong sehun





	1. intercourse on the table

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yutas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutas/gifts).



**EXHOES**

 

**xhangyixing named this group EXHOES**

**xhangyixing added, suehoe, kai, xiuminnie, baekhyun1, chanyeol2, kyungsue, chen2, sehun7**

 

**YIXING:** WELCOME FRIENDS

**sehunbaby:** please leave me alone

**YIXING:** what did i ever do wrong sehun

**sehunbaby:** last time you added me too a group chat..

**kaiwhy:** dont continue

**rich white headmaster:** we’re all friends here sehun istg

**YIXING:** suho can you not name yourself that

**rich white headmaster:** you dont own me

**YIXING:** well i did last night

**minxiu:** _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

**rich white headmaster:** sh ut up yixing you dont know me

**YIXING:** i wish i didnt

**easy baek oven:** what the heckle

**chan:** Just leave quietly

**easy baek oven:** yixing is being… extra

**d.o.n.t:** please remove me

**YIXING:** NO

**Chen:** please name kyungsoo barcode head and ill stay in the chat

**BARCODE HEAD:** NO ODNT

**Busted hair:** im staying

**Busted hair:** WHO TF

**kaiwhy:**

**Busted hair:** I FICUKUING HATE YOU BITCH

**minxiu:** What the fuck did they do to you in that pic Jongdae

**BARCODE HEAD:** They tore his dignity apart

**Busted hair:** fuck off ill scan you

 

* * *

  


**easy baek oven:** so, chanyeol. U got something to say?

**chan:** no why whats up??

**easy baek oven:** i think the fuck you do bitch

**chan:** no what are you even on about

**easy baek oven:** GUYS. CHANYEOL WON’T ADMIT THAT HE ATE ALL THE COOKIES YIXING HYUNG MADE FOR US. HES A DISGUSTING LITTLE EVIL GREMLIN

**chan:** I DIDNT EAT THEM WTF

**Busted hair:** why the fuck did you eat them

**kaiWhy:** im gonna cry? Wtf

**minxiu:** Now I know why I hated Chanyeol

**chan:** yea but WHERES your proof?

**easy baek oven:** it seems like something you’d do

**BARCODE HEAD:** i thought suho hyung ate them all

**rich white headmaster:**??? don’t blame me

**minxiu:** sounds like you junmyeon

**rich white headmaster:** DONT BLAME ME YOU RATS

**sehunbaby:** um guys

**rich white headmaster:** I BUILT THIS GROUP FROM THE GROUND UP

**chan:** YEA BUT YOU ATE THEM STILL

**sehunbaby:** hello?

**BARCODE HEAD:** junmyeon hyung just give it up

**sehunbaby:** the cookies weren’t even for us

 

**suehoe removed sehun7 from this group**

 

**easy baek oven:** YALL CHANYEOL ATE THEM

**Chan:** NO I DIDNT??? LEAVE ME ALONE???

**Busted hair:** i hate you both

**Chan:** im leaving exo.,i m done with abuse

**Rich white headmaster:** YOURE JUST ADMITTING U ATE THEM

**YIXING:** guys those cookies were for me, i ate them

**Xhangyixing added sehun7**

**YIXING:** sehunnie was going too tell y’all that but you didnt listen, im ashamed

**rich white headmaster:** sorry mom

**YIXING:** im going to bed

**sehunbaby:** guess who gets extra cookies OwO

**chan:** kys no lines

 

* * *

  
**kaiwhy:** so

**susan:** you are the one reason why i wish i didnt debut with exo

**sehunnie!~:** yea but why are you called Susan?

**susan:** because i’m white

**yixxie!~:** leave exo then

**susan:** wow, my own boyfriend, patronizing me, abusing me, neglecting me. How could you?

**3 minutes and a second:** wait you date yixing hyung

**susan:** no i dont

**yixxie!~:** not any more

**susan:** wait what

**yixxie!~:** we’re over, suho

**susan:** WAIT WHY

**yixxie!~:** i just love sehun more. Bye

**sehunnie!~:** really hyung?!

**yixxie!~:** ofc sehunnie! Im making you some more cupcakes now ^o^

**kaiwhy:** poor hyung

**Busted hair:** his wife just left

**BARCODE HEAD:** he needs to rest

**MinXiu:** too be his best!

**chan:** aND PUT HIS HArDSHIPS TOO THE TESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST

**kaiwhy:** That boy, he saw a guy, and he fell in love

**3 minutes and a second:** he looked up, at the sky, and saw a dove

**susan:** can yall stop singing

**easy baek oven:** he could not BELIEVE what he saw above

**sehunnie!~:** his dreams, they flew, but they fell, and shrew

**kaiwhy:** something only he knew, like the trees morning dew

**Busted hair:** oh yes i remember

**BARCODE HEAD:** you remember?!

**MinXiu:** HE GOT A BONERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

**easy baek oven:** A BONERRRRRRRRRRRRRR

**sehunnie!~:** A BIG OLD STIFFY ITS NOT HARD TOO MISS

**kaiwhy:** SUHO GOT A BONERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

**susan:** when did you write this :+

**kaiwhy:** Yixing wrote it

**susan:** for fucks sake

**yixxie!~:** bitch we never even dated

**susan:** oh yea i forgot bout that

**yixxie!~:** we’re no homo friends.

**susan:** ofc

 

**JONGIN:** I GOT ONE FUCKING QUESTION FOR YALL

**KYUNGSHOE:** hi whats that

**JONGIN:** WHY . THE FUCK . IS THERE . LUBE . ALL OVER . THE KITCHEN . TABLE.

**Yeollie:** i have no fucking clue

**Chens:** Thats gross what

**Yehet:** its yours kai hyung

**JONGIN:** ezcUSE ME

**Yehet:** idk just a guess

**Yix Is Six:** Actually, I have a good guess

**Susan:**???

**Yix Is Six:** baekhyunnie, chanyeollie, you both do know I DID stay up late last night baking cookies WHILE you were having INTERCOURSE on the table. I WAS RTIGHT NEXT TO YOU TRYING TO FOCUS

**BEAK:** WHAT

**Yeollie:** i

**MINNIESEOK:** GUILTY CONFIRMED. BITCH

  
**chanyeol2 left**


	2. Kyungsoo is gay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **chanyeollie:** WAIT KYUNGSOO IS GAY?
> 
> **lay(in in money):** i knew that since my birth, chanyeol.
> 
> **chanyeollie:** maybe i should really leave exo
> 
> song used in chapter - atlas valentine

**yix is six:** lets forget everything that happened yesterday

**BEAK:** please lets

**yehet:** lol im still scarred for life

**chens:** ok lets add back chanyeol

**junmyeon:** lets NOT

**chens:** why not

**junmyeon:** him and that baekhyun guy had sex on my fav table :/

**MINNIESEOK:** yea but suho non of us like u

**junmyeon:** please stop

**yix is six:** its ok junmyeon i like u sometimes

**chens:** lmfao roasted

 

**yixing added chanyeol2**

 

**junmyeon:** chanyeol is it true you created the furries

**chanyeollie:** sorry

**BEAK:** no he didnt x3

**junmyeon:** ok what the FUCK baekhyun

**BEAK:** i made them XD uwu

**junmyeon:** why do i believe you

**chanyeollie:** baekhyun are you trying to defend my reputation

**BEAK:** no i just dont want someone as disgusting as u in my culture XD

**chens:** ‘culture’

**yix is six:** ‘culture’ :thinking:

**yehet:** honestly i hate this group

**BEAK:** why lel 

**chanyeollie:** jongdae why are u called chens

**chens:** don’t try and divert the subject on me, furry boy.

**yix is six:** lmfaooo

**junmyeon:** he’s called chens cus its like chins but chen

**chanyeollie:** but why

**chens:** stop bullying me for my name

**chanyeollie:** im just asking a question gaylord

**chens:** are u five what the fuck

**chanyeollie:** answer my question then gaylord

**KAI LMAO LADS  :** LMFAOOO WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

**chanyeollie:** better question, what the fuck is  _ your  _ name?

**KAI LMAO LADS:** shut the FUCK UP CHANYEOL HYUNG

**chanyeollie:** i hate you leave this chat

**junmyeon:** did u guys know chanyeol sleeps with his eyes open

**BEAK** : no he doesnt hyung

**chens** : think he does

**chanyeollie:** is this indecent exposure

**junmyeon** : no thats like running about naked outside

**yehet** : oh like xiuminnie hyung did

**MINNIESEOK** : excuse me?

**yehet** : nothing

**chanyeollie:** LMFAOOOOO SEHUN

**yehet:** what

**MINNIESEOK:** i never did that

**KAI LMAO LADS:** you did; i was there.

**chanyeollie:** GUILTY CONFIRMED BITCH

**MINNIESEOK:** STOP

**chanyeollie:** OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.

**MINNIESEOK:** I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH?

* * *

 

**jongin:** this is a thank you for everything, a semi-colon hovering where something once was menacing

**kyungsoo:** ? lmao

**jongin:** a "soon-to-be continued" that exists after the ending screen, the only song i know that i would ever even wish to sing

**yehet:** lol cute

**jongin:** when the heat is blistering, you're the ice that's glistening, inside my cup of tea, which is also you... interesting

**chanyeollie:** was this meant for someone in pm or

**jongin:** throughout all the seasons, in this transition of winter-spring, you've been here beside me with the sweet nothings you're whispering

**yehet:** im so touched kai hyung

**jongin:** you're a lovable, angelic piece of perfect, and anything i do for you is worth it

**chanyeollie:** anyone know whats going on

**jongin:** times a million and a half, we can sit and be resilient and laugh in between the subtle compliments and billlions of half-kiss/half-hug/half-cuddle moments we share

**yehet:** lets let him finish

**jongin:** i know it's unfair that we could only spend a few days herebut i'm yours, and i think that it's clear, so forget about goodbye, this is "see you soon, my dear"

**kyungsoo:** what is he doing

**chanyeollie:** i blushed

**jongin:** 'cause i love you and i'd like to spend forever, in the sublte warmth inside your arms, like fireplaces' embers

**lay(in in money):** subtle* 

**jongin:** i will try my best to keep you by my side until the weather, turns apocalyptic, and we end up drifting to the nether

**yehet:** I CANT BELIEVE YOU LAY HYUNG

**jongin:** but we'd still be wearing sweaters when we got there, 'cause we're both too caught up in cuteness to care 'bout hot air

**yehet:** bit dumb

**jongin:** i'll keep on creating for you until my final days, dancing in the living room and smooching while the vinyl plays

**kyungsoo:** is this a song

**jongin:** i've been losing track of the romantic shit i'm tryna say, but basically i love you and that's kinda gay…

**chanyeollie:** wait you’re gay

**jongin:** i'ma stay by your side when i can, keep your grip on my hand, ‘cause we can both hear the compliments coming in from these pals of mine

**kyungsoo:** im dying

**jongin:** kyungsoo.

**kyungsoo:** ?

**jongin:** i've been wondering if you would be my valentine

**kyungsoo:** its not even february anymore

**jongin:** just

**kyungsoo:** sure

**jongin:** good

**chanyeollie:** WAIT KYUNGSOO IS GAY?

**lay(in in money):** i knew that since my birth, chanyeol.

**chanyeollie:** maybe i should really leave exo

 

* * *

 

**lay(in in money):** GEE GEE GEE GEE BABY BABY

**rich white headmaster:** are you getting back with me

**lay(in in money):** no (:

**yehet:** lmfao fucking loser

**rich white headmaster:** fuck you sehun you fucking cunt ill fucking make u cry so much u’ll end up leaving exo and all ur 0.3 second lines will go too fucking minseok hyung since even he has more lines than you and you’re gonna regret ever calling me a fucking loser you got me? Thought so you fucking gremlin

 

* * *

 

**jongin:** hello everyone i bought some new clothes

**kyungsoo:** oh yes i saw you looked very pretty

**jongin:** thank u x !

**yehet:** i agree u looked nice hyung

**jongin:** Stahp. Don't Flirt Wit Meh. Do Yhu Not Know What In A➡ RELATIONSHIP⬅ Means.? Frfr. I Am Loyal.  I Am In Love. && Nobody Gunna Come Between Us.  Stop Wit Yhur Thirsty Asses Tryna Hit Me Up On The DL, I Am Commited.

**yehet:** what do yall have against me

**kyungsoo:** eveyrthing

**yehet:** me and chanyeol hyung are leaving exo and making a band

 

* * *

 

**XO**

 

**sehun7 added chanyeol2**

**OH ! SEHUN:** hello welcome to the band

**PARK ! CHANYEOL:** is this our new stage names

**OH ! SEHUN:** yea but we need more members

**PARK ! CHANYEOL:** ill add baekhyun

**OH ! SEHUN:** this band is finished

  
**sehun7 left**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY A NEW CHAPTER !!! I HOPE U LIKE IT BITCH

**Author's Note:**

> SORRY THIS IS SHORT, I JUST WANTED IT OUT BECAUSE IVE BEEN PROCRASTINATING IT FOR DAYS
> 
> I LOVE UUUU bYE


End file.
